A Reluctant Christian

Last night, I was baptized in the warm, chlorinated waters of the YMCA pool. Alongside my husband. The man who just six months ago, did not claim to be a Christian. The closest he would commit to was “Agnostic”. I am in awe of a God who answers the prayers of a nobody. A sinner such as me.

All my life, I’ve been the invisible girl. Mousy and painfully shy as a child, I was perfectly fine in the shadows. People who didn’t know me either thought I was stuck up or didn’t care one way or the other. They simply didn’t see me.

As I got older, I realized that I didn’t like being invisible. I had something to say, but no one heard. I slowly but surely broke out of my shell and began to sound my voice like a gong when I needed to. But I found it didn’t matter. I’m just one of those people, non-descript and plain to the point that I am not paid much attention to. I know you know the type. We are everywhere.

I’m not whining. I’m only trying to illustrate how amazing my God is. HE not only knows I’m here, but he cares. Of course He does, you may be thinking. But understand, I haven’t always been a follower of Jesus. So to go most of my life as someone unassuming, to now know that the Maker of the stars sees ME and not only sees me, but answer my prayers…well, I’m just in awe. Star struck you might say.

I do not doubt Him. I do sometimes doubt that He really answers my prayers. He knows this. I cannot hide it. I think about my life and how undeserving I am. And then I think, maybe its coincidence. Surely He has more important people to pay attention to.

But when I take my walk each day in the woods near my house, and I pray to Him in this place, He lets me know that I am as important to Him as the beauty that surrounds me. He lets me know that I am not invisible. And I believe Him.

Last night, as one more beautiful sinner was brought into the kingdom, the angels rejoiced. And I will keep on praying.

Here We Go Again…

Years ago, I was married to an alcoholic and drug addict. It didn’t start that way. He was a good guy with a lot of issues who eventually, after we were married, turned to those substances in an attempt to solve his problems. Or at the very least, push them into a corner and cover them with a box so he wouldn’t have to deal with them.

Me, I wasn’t a drinker or user. I wasn’t a Christian either. As I’ve stated in earlier posts, I did believe but wasn’t a follower. I figured being good was just fine and I wasn’t particularly good at that either, but I tried and that had to count for something, right? But I prayed anyway. The kind of prayers where I really didn’t know what I was doing, but figured I would give it a shot.

And then my husband would say he was done with the life he was living. The promises to change. The stays in rehab. The eventual church stint. Sound harsh? Sound like I was bitter. I was. I’d see a change and rejoice, only to have MY dreams dashed when he reverted. And then he’d try again. And I’d rejoice again. And he’d go back to his old ways. See the pattern?

I finally left when things got physically abusive. But that’s another story for another day.

Now its 20 years later and I’m married to a GOOD man. He is honest. He is good to me. He is responsible. He helped me to raise five kids. But he wasn’t a believer and until only the last few years, I still attended the church of “Hi God…you do your thing, I’ll do mine.”

But I quit that church. And as I got to know Jesus, I prayed. I pray as often as I can. And I knock on His door every day, hoping to wake Him. And He has answered prayers for me as I never expected. I am in awe at time. In awe that He hears me and responds. It fills me with amazing joy.

So when my husband decided that this is all for real and he “became a Christian” I was dancing in the street (ok, not literally). My husband is a black and white kind of guy so if he’s in, he’s all in.  And the change in his spirit has been nothing short of amazing. I praise God every day for this.

Then this morning, he started asking me about hell. He started questioning Christianity. He asked why we are the only religion that says only Christians go to Heaven. Muslims say Christians can get in. Jews say Christians can get in. But Christians says Muslims and Jews can’t.  (These were his words, not mine).

Now one of my character flaws is that I can’t simply listen. I always try to “fix”. So I argued that this is simply one “theory” and depending on who you ask, we don’t really know. I certainly don’t know. I am still too young in my faith to “defend” and should I be defending at all? I didn’t know how to respond. And all I could think was, “here we go again.” Will he give up so quickly on his new found faith? How can I fix this?

For me, it’s about trust. It’s about not knowing and being ok with not knowing, because He is God and I am not. He’s got this. The Bible certainly seems clear on the subject of hell. But who am I to say who will go there and who won’t?

My prayer for today is that God will work on my husband’s heart and give him a peace that passes understanding. And that He will work on my heart so I don’t lose faith in my husband’s ability to navigate the difficult parts of this journey.

Thank you for reading.